


Somebody's Last Time

by girly1393



Series: You're Not Alone [4]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Don't copy to another site, F/M, M/M, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Swearing, abuse mention
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-24
Updated: 2020-04-24
Packaged: 2021-03-02 03:47:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,026
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23818672
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/girly1393/pseuds/girly1393
Summary: That instantly reminds me that this is, in fact, not a prank we're going to pull on the Slytherins, but my actual future at stake.Here, with my friends, is the first time I feel safe enough to give voice to my doubts. "What if… what if I do all of this and—and she says no?""Oh, she won't," Sirius says, meaningfully but somehow also casually, like this is a basic fact to him."What if she does, though?" I press."Well, then, I guess you're going to have to use some of the old James Potter charm and spend years convincing her to marry you." Again, his face and tone are serious, but I can tell he's poking fun at me, too. This joke reassures me, though.
Relationships: James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Series: You're Not Alone [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/560915
Comments: 1
Kudos: 8





	Somebody's Last Time

**Author's Note:**

> This is a work of fiction, placed some months after the third installment. It references abuse, as described earlier in the series, and, as before, Lily has PTSD, and although it is never named, some of her symptoms appear here.
> 
> If you are sensitive to any of these topics, please take care of yourself.
> 
> Thank you for coming back for another round with Lily and James!

I burst into the dormitory. I know I'm a complete mess, covered in mud with my hair doing who knows what. I'd just seen Sirius leaving the common room with Pete, so I know I'll find Remus alone in here. He's the one I need to see most desperately. I'm running out of time.

"Moony, I don't know what to do."

He pauses, looking up from his half-filled parchment to see me, probably visibly sweating and my hair reaching brand new levels of chaotic. 

He peers around me, probably wondering if Lily or another of our friends will appear. When no one does, he looks back up at me. His eyes widen in surprise. I am nervous, and it must be totally obvious.

Being nervous is not something that comes natural to me. I deal with my anxiety by laughing, by messing up up hair, by planning. But when those things have run their courses, I am left stranded.

I went to Remus because, of the three choices, he at least has some shred of romance in him and is probably the least likely to fuck up a proposal. Sirius, bless his ace heart, thinks of romance in abstract terms and doesn't understand the minutia of pleasing someone with appropriate gestures. And Peter, while I hope happy his friend is happy, doesn't seem to want much to do with me and Lily anymore.

"Mate, I think you should start by taking off your robes," he tells me. I look down at them, really taking in how far from clean they've gone, and nod absently as I step out of them and toss them aside. I pull on a shirt and pants, grabbing randomly from the pile. 

"All right, let's talk this out."

"Talk… it out?" This feels genuinely like a foreign concept to me right now.

"Yes, Prongs, talk it out. Like it's a prank, like we always do. Think through every possibility, through all of the options."

"Like a prank," I repeat, probably sounding stupid, but relief floods into me. It's not easy for me to admit that I don't know what to do next.

Remus is quiet for a few minutes, his face touched by lines of thought, before looking at me, a little harshly.

"She won't want it to be a big, pageantry affair," he reminds me firmly, reaching out and grasping my arm with his hand. "You know that, right?"

Oh, for the love of Merlin. "Moony, I'm not an idiot. I do in fact understand basic tenants of my girlfriend's personality."

"You can't blame me, Prongs," he says defensively, "you spent months resorting to larger and larger affairs to convince her to go out with you, culminating with your stupid attempt to use Snape to convince her. So, you can't imagine that I think your ideas of subtle are in line with normalcy."

I sigh. "Ugh, you're right. I don't even know if anything I'll think about would make any sense! And she'd been through so much in the last year, I can't imagine how much of a jerk I would be in her eyes if I fucked it up!"

"James," he says quietly, "she loves you. I don't think she'll hate you if you embarrass her, I just think she'll make you sweat it out."

I take a deep breath, hold it, and finally let it out. "You're right, you're right." I find my fingers back in my hair, and I pull them out, forcing them into my pockets instead.

"So, let's find somewhere to plan," he suggests. "Here obviously won't do, because Sirius is the biggest blabbermouth I've ever met, but it can't be somewhere Lily will likely go, either…"

"The Prefects common room!"

"James, she's Head Girl, I think she goes there sometimes," he says slowly, like I've forgotten we share responsibilities in managing student behaviors here.

"Yeah, I know that," I say a little snarkily, "but she hates that room. She thinks it smells funny and so she only goes there when we have to host meetings, but with school almost over, there shouldn't be another meeting!"

I know I have a point, and I can't help smirking a little as Remus tries to find a reply and flounders.

"All right, let's use that chalkboard, then. Hopefully, it'll help eliminate the more ridiculous ideas you've conjured up already."

"My ideas are not bad!" I protest. He just stares at me. I nod reluctantly. "Okay, I've probably had some really bad ideas."

"Like what?" he asks as I unlock the Prefects' room and pull a couple of chairs up to the chalkboard. He starts erasing the patrols rotation schedule and writes OPERATION I DO at the top, just like we would do in our dormitory for an elaborate prank.

"Well, I'm sure you remember her iconic comeback about the giant squid. It's my favorite," I reply, settling into a chair and chuckling to myself a bit. "I thought about taking her there, having the squid help me out."

"That is a bad plan, mate," he laughs. But for some unknown reason, he actually writes GIANT SQUID on the board anyway.

Now I'm laughing, too. 

"I might as well add bats and jelly and slugs to the list, too," he says, writing them down. "She's used a lot of hexes on you in your time."

While I continue to laugh, Remus starts a second column and begins it with THE TREE BY THE LAKE. This sobers me up quickly, and I start nodding seriously. It reminds me of somewhere else, somewhere more private and special. I stand up and add THE HOLLOW.

He looks at me questioningly, but I don't say anything, just give him a sly smile. I haven't shared all of my secrets.

He takes a step back to let me add my thoughts to the board, and I end up filling up the second column: LILIES, BROOM RIDE, HOGSMEADE, LIBRARY, KITCHENS.

After this, I pause. I could add more, so many more, but that would make it even harder. 

"How do I pick?"

Remus doesn't seem to know what to say, and I turn around to look at him. He's sitting quietly, leaning back thoughtfully. It looks like he's trying to piece it all together. 

I flop into a chair and run my hand through my hair again. Looking up at the board, I'm suddenly filled with doubt.

"Am I even doing the right thing, Moony?"

"I can't…I can't answer that for you, Prongs," he sighs. "You love her, and you want to be with her, I know that. But with what's out there, waiting for us in the world? I don't know."

"You're right, it's bad out there. Hell, it's not that great in here as it is, with Death Eaters in training pushing back against Dumbledore and the professors. But maybe…maybe that's why it's so important. I can't bear to think about what could happen to her, or to me, but I know it would be worse if I was fighting with staff at St. Mungo's to let me in to see my girlfriend, instead of my…wife."

I hold onto that last word. It's the first time I've ever said it out loud, and the word surprises me. More than that, though, it sounds right. I mean, I've had this feeling that this was the right choice for a while. We're young, I know that, but I also just…know.

Remus looks doubtful, though.

"This isn't just about that, though, Moon," I insist and reach into my pocket. There's a small box, a simple gray velvet, and when I open it, his face changes. He gets it. 

"It's lovely, mate," he tells me, his voice thick with meaning.

I look back down at it and smile, remembering how it felt to sneak out to Hogsmeade to buy it.

"I've had it for almost two months, hoping the right moment or right idea would just appear, and I feel stupid now, because I didn't want to make a big deal out of it, but now I am because I don't know what else to do, and—"

I stop abruptly as my despair hits me full in the face again. I flop over, my arms dangling dramatically off the side of the chair.

"What if I just hex Snivellus in front of her, remind her of all the good times we used to have?"

Remus points at the board. "Prongs! Mate, seriously!"

"Did someone call for me?"

I snort and try to smother my laughter with my hand. 

"No, Sirius, no one called for you." Remus's voice is as flat as possible to try to discourage Sirius from staying. "And you're not supposed to be in here anyway."

"Well, I was getting bored working on homework, so I thought I'd see what you're up to, you crazy rule enforcers." He bats his eyes at Remus and, in a way only Sirius can do, saunters right across the room to plant a kiss on his cheek.

"It's the Prefects' room," Remus says quietly, his face flushing. His eyes flick over to me, and I can't help smiling. They're so good together, so much better than I could've guessed.

I also had no idea they were into each other before everything happened last October. I hadn't even considered it as a possibility. I knew Remus was bi, he's been open about that for a long time, and Sirius is gray-aro ace. He'd never shown even the slightest inkling of wanting a relationship before Remus, and yet, here they are. 

Remus softens the sharp edge Sirius has against the world, and Sirius helps Remus feel less like an outsider in his own life. And when they have little moments like this in front of me, it makes me so glad to see them getting what they deserve.

Remus looks back to me again, asking me with his eyes to move on from this moment.

"Well, it works out," I jump in, "as we need you to do something." My brain is working a million miles a second as I try to think of something.

"Hopefully not like, fetching food something?" Sirius replies, a little too hopefully. That man and his food.

Remus shoots me a confused look. He knows we haven't come up with anything even slightly resembling an actual plan, but he'll thank me later.

"I need you to go distract Lily. For at least the better part of the afternoon."

Sirius seems to almost literally light up with glee. I know, I know, I'm doing something I never said I would. I am telling him explicitly to harass Lily Evans, which is the very thing I've asked him not to do since the Giant Squid Incident. Even worse, I have no other reason to do it than to distract him. He is the biggest blabbermouth Gryffindor tower has ever had the misfortune to know.

Sirius stops mid-twirl and narrows his eyes at me. I can see his mind at work.

"Why?"

I glance down at the ring box, sitting helplessly on the table. Sirius follows my eyes and leaps over to it before I can even move. 

He has to know what it is because, when he opens it, he starts dancing around the room. Badly, of course. Any dancing lessons he'd had under the Black family traditions were either promptly forgotten or purposefully bastardized.

"Oi, give it back, Pads!" I do the only thing I can think of: I leap after him.

Remus bursts out laughing at us, and it makes me begin to laugh, too. Sirius grins at both of us, his eyes flicking to the board with the ideas. When we settle down, he passes the ring back to me.

"The emerald in the middle is a nice touch, mate," Sirius says a little softer, and when my hand reaches the box, Sirius wraps his other hand around mine. "You were made for her." 

This leaves me completely speechless.

He then turns purposefully to the board, foldings his arms and tapping his chin with one finger. "Now let's see what we can do. This of course has to be perfect, but I think you're overthinking it, mate."

He brandishes his wand and starts drawing lines between ideas, connecting LILIES with BROOM RIDE, HOGSMEADE, THE LAKE, and THE HOLLOW. What is he thinking?

"There!" With a last flourish of his wand, he turns back to us. "Well, what do you think?"

I have to get up close, but my brain starts making the connections quickly. Sirius and I have planned so many things together, I can see his ideas almost as easily as my own. "Damn, Padfoot."

"It'll take all of us," Sirius says, smiling, "but honestly Prongs, it took all of us to get you together, so this only seems fair."

Now Remus is laughing again. 

"You give yourself way too much credit, Padfoot. I don't think you had nearly as much with is as you seem to think."

"Oh, no," Remus interjects. "Without us pushing and prompting you the whole of September, where would you be now? Still pining away, that's where."

"Moony!" I gasp, pretending to be scandalized. "Not you, too! My friends are all turning on me!"

"We wouldn't have to, if you'd just admit how crucial we are to your relationship," Sirius jokes. 

"Okay, but you have to keep your mouth shut!" I warn him. "Everyone knows you can't keep a secret to save my life."

"Marauders honor," he promises, grinning at me. 

I can't remember the last time we sat and laughed this hard together. If only Pete were here, this would be like old times. But it hasn't been like old times since Lily and me, because she brings in her own ideas, her own personality to our foursome. We're better for it, but sometimes it is nice to just goof off.

That instantly reminds me that this is, in fact, not a prank we're going to pull on the Slytherins, but my actual future at stake.

Here, with my friends, is the first time I feel safe enough to give voice to my doubts. "What if… what if I do all of this and—and she says no?"

"Oh, she won't," Sirius says, meaningfully but somehow also casually, like this is a basic fact to him.

"What if she does, though?" I press. 

"Well, then, I guess you're going to have to use some of the old James Potter charm and spend years convincing her to marry you." Again, his face and tone are serious, but I can tell he's poking fun at me, too. This joke reassures me, though.

"I worry because…" I can't bring myself to finish the sentence, but Remus does for me, coming over and placing a hand on my shoulder.

"Because she lived in fear of marriage to Corvus, of being trapped by him. We know, mate, but we also know you're not him. And more importantly, she knows it, too."

I didn't realize how much I needed someone to say that to me. Nodding, I turn back to the lines Sirius drew.

"So, what's the plan?"

Sirius rubs his hands together and begins to explain.

"All hands on deck. Of course, you've got the starring role at that hollow you think is so secret, but the rest of us can do our part pretty well. I'll handle the broom ride, naturally, as the best flier," he jokes. "Moony here can take a Hogsmeade spot, as can Wormtail. Dorcas can do the lake, leaving Marlene to get Lily started."

"Everyone will need to have a bouquet," I say slowly, imaging her carrying a complete armload of them. "It has to be big, without being too much."

"She actually likes lilies?" Remus asks, surprised. "I always thought you were just tormenting her with them."

"Oh, no, she does," I laugh. "She was so mad when I learned that. The beautiful asiatic ones, with fewer leaves but a lot of petals. White."

"We're running out of days, mate," Sirius reminds me. "N.E.W.T.s are over, there's only a week before the train heads back to London."

"And it has to be here," I say firmly. "It can't be anywhere else."

"The last day," Remus says. "It'll be easier to split up, to say we all want one last day. Marlene can convince Lily to spend the afternoon at the lake with her and Dorcas, and we'll convince you to come with us."

Why didn't I ask them for help months ago? In about an hour, we have a plan, one that I not only love but I know will bring Lily happiness, too. 

Over the next few days, we scheme and plot and recruit. On more than one occasion, Lily walks in as Sirius, Remus, Peter, and I are hammering out some details. We all probably look extremely guilty, but she smiles at us a little slyly and a little cautiously. Multiple times, I think she must know what we're really planning, but all she says once is to please not cause anybody harm with this one.

Sirius, of course, can't help but explode in laughter. Me, I'm just relieved she thinks we're out to do one last surprise attack on our classmates. I don't know why, but I need this so desperately to be a surprise, to be an experience I can give her unlike anything else.

Finally, our last full day here at Hogwarts arrives. It's bittersweet, and that makes it easier to accept when Sirius pushes me to spend the afternoon with them at lunch.

"Prongs, mate, c'mooooon," he says, his hands clasped together to plead with me. He turns his gaze on Lily. "Red, it's our last day, we've gotta have some fun, just us."

"We could spend the afternoon at the lake," Marlene suggests, right on cue. 

Lily laughs and shoots me a glance. I shrug, sheepish, but Lily only laughs again. "I can't think of a better way to spend today," she says, still laughing a little. "There's always tonight to pack!"

The girls stand and start to leave, but then Lily lingers for a moment. She looks at the four of us, her eyes narrowed. We all grin as innocently as possible. "Behave yourselves," she warns.

"Who, us?" Peter asks, and I think he even bats his eyes at her to try to sell it. She laughs and then waves before she walks off.

"Okay men," Sirius says, whipping the map out from who knows where. Remus then pulls out our plans and we get to work.

The hardest part is actually figuring out how to sneak around to get everything in place without being spotted by Lily. And convincing every other student we see not to say anything about all of us wandering around with bouquets of lilies.

When Peter and Remus are getting ready to sneak into Hogsmeade, Peter turns to me. "I'm really happy for you, Prongs," he says quietly. "I hope this goes perfectly."

Before I can say anything, he's started off for the Willow. Remus gives me a warm smile and follows him. They're both carrying their bouquets, and for a moment, I let myself forget why and just appreciate the sight of my friends holding onto flowers as they walk toward the most dangerous tree in Britain. It's pretty funny.

That leaves Sirius and me. Usually, when we're at this stage in a plan, I've found confidence in its success, but I'm still lacking that a little. A week of planning and I'm still frightened I'm doing the wrong thing, or at least doing it the wrong way. 

As we leave the Great Hall, Sirius stops and hugs me tightly. That's what's always been so great about our friendship; it's like he can hear my thoughts, feel my doubt with me. "This will be everything you want and more," he promises.

Then, as he releases me, he laughs. "Unless, of course, I accidentally knock her off the broom."

"Padfoot! That's so rude!" But it does what he intended: it takes my mind off my own anxieties and makes me laugh.

While Sirius begins his walk over to the lake, two sets of lilies in hand, I am overcome with gratitude. This is their last day, too, all of our friends, and they're sacrificing a lot of it just to make my dream come true.

I'm going to owe them all so much.

For me, the day stretches on, and I try to imagine where Lily is in the process. Has Marlene gotten Lily down in the grounds yet, or are they at the lake by now? Dorcas won't have her lilies yet, nor will Marlene. Has Sirius arrived to sweep Lily away and stealthily leave the flowers behind? Sirius is the one who decided to call it the "Lily Hunts For Lilies Day," and I hope that'll make her happy while not letting her in on the secret too early.

Then he's supposed to take her to the witch statue, where Peter will meet her in Honeydukes. He's supposed to give her the second bouquet and walk with her down the main street, to where Remus will be waiting at the Three Broomsticks with the third bunch of lilies. Together, the three of them are supposed to walk back to the Shack and then through the tunnel back to the grounds.

We didn't tell them why that's where they have to wait, but Marlene and Dorcas will also be there to give her even more flowers. Remus and Peter are supposed to disappear to help Sirius finish setting up for our end of term party, which will hopefully have another reason to celebrate with this is all over.

Finally, Marlene and Dorcas will walk with Lily back toward the lake, but then they'll change direction slightly. To me, in the hollow.

It's not really a hollow anything, but it's at the bottom of a hill, surrounded by trees and so out of sight from the lake. When we stumbled upon it one day last fall, Lily said it looked like the hill had been hollowed out to make this space, and the name stuck for us.

I had to reveal its existence to everyone for this to work, but it's the last day, so it's not like our friends can steal it from us or accidentally intrude upon our alone time there. Sirius, as always, had discovered it somehow. And, thinking about it, maybe I need to reevaluate his ability to keep a secret, because I didn't know he knew about it until we made that plan in Prefects room.

I've been sitting on the grass, trying to envision all of it. The hardest part of this, for me, is that I can't be at every step if I want this place to be the final stop. We talked through at least a dozen different ways for me to be the one leading Lily from place to place and still end up here, with the lilies and the ring, in the way I wanted to be. So instead, I have to trust our friends.

That would be easier if I wasn't so nervous.

The sun is getting low in the sky and the hollow takes on a golden glow. It's peaceful and, for a moment, I can't hear anything except the sound of my own hope, hammering its way into my heart. Then, there's something.

I can hear the laughter as they draw near, and my palms immediately get sweaty. I stand up, trying to wipe my hands and dust off my pants at the same time. I somehow fail to do either properly and have to set everything down and try again. Who knew proposing to your girlfriend could be so nerve-wracking?

I adjust the flowers in my hands and try to pull the ring box back out of my pocket, but my fingers keep fumbling the grip. Finally, as the voices get louder, I manage to pull it out and conceal it in my hand behind the flower stems.

"Go on," I hear Dorcas urge, just at the top of the hill, and then Lily appears, her arms full of lilies. She's still laughing. The joy on her face makes my knees feel a little wobbly.

She starts walking down the hill, still looking over her shoulder, and when her face turns in my direction, I can't help beaming back at her.

"Well, James, I can't say I didn't enjoy my last day at Hogwarts," she calls down to me cheerfully. "I didn't expect to have to go on a lily scavenger hunt! And I didn't think this is what the four of you were planning!"

She's got halfway to go yet. Damn, how big is this hill?!

"How could I have done anything else?" I say back. She's closer, but I still have to shout a bit. When they hear my voice, all of our friends' faces appear over the top of the hill. They don't understand the concept of privacy at all.

"I see you have more flowers for me," she says as she approaches me. "How many flowers did you get? Because this is a lot."

"Your assumptions are unwelcome, madam!" I say, clutching the lilies to my chest. "These are for me!"

Lily throws her head back and laughs, long and loud. Seeing her here, happy, I know I'm making the right decision.

"Okay, you caught me, they're for you," I say, pretending to be reluctant. I pass them over, trying not to let her see I've got the box clutched in my opposite hand. She seems absorbed in the new additions to her armload of bouquets, though, and stops to adjust them all very carefully.

"James, this has been incredible," she whispers, her eyes coming up to meet mine. "The very best day." For a moment, I wonder if she's thinking of the morning we spent together up in my room, too.

"Oh, it's not over yet," I tell her softly as I take a step toward her. Her eyebrows arch in surprise and curiosity. Honestly, I'm surprised she hasn't caught on to what this is all about, but at the same time, her ability to take my insanity at face value is one of my favorite things about her.

"Lily, I love you," I start. She opens her mouth to reply, but when I plow on, she closes hers. "I've loved you for a long time, a lot longer than I wanted to admit. But now that we're here, together, and you can stand to look at me for longer than five seconds…" She laughs at this, gently. "…I can't help thinking about the future, about what's waiting when we leave school." Her face darkens a little.

"But more importantly, I can't stop thinking about my future with you in it. I know we've been together less than a year, but I don't want to imagine a life without you. You brighten up my entire life, making each day better than the one before. You are so kind, so caring, so loving, and to think of a day where I don't get to see you, I don't want that life." Her eyes are wide and a little wet. She looks like she's holding onto every word and, before my courage deserts me, I bend down on one knee and open the little box. "Lily, will you marry me?"

A bunch of the lilies hit the ground as she raises her hands to her mouth. Some of the petals of one seem to be caught between her fingers and might even be in her mouth, but she doesn't make a move to remove them. She just stares, her eyes going from the ring to my face and back.

I feel like this is taking an age and a half. Is she making me sweat this out on purpose? I try not to look up at our friends, afraid to see my fear matched on their faces.

"Oh," she finally whispers, and her hands drop away from her mouth, the remaining flowers falling away. "Oh, James."

Now I'm genuinely afraid. I can't read the expression on her face. The way she says my name, softly and with a feeling I can't identify, I'm tempted to jump and laugh, pretend it was all a joke. Before I can make any choice, though, she speaks again.

"Oh, James, of course. Of course I will."

The smile spreads across her face delicately, almost shyly, and her hands reach out for mine. I'm frozen, a stupid look probably plastered across my face, but when her fingers touch mine, I feel like I'm waking up to find a dream is now my life.

I can't contain my happiness. I quite literally whoop with joy as I leap to my feet and pick her up, spinning her around and around. Her arms are tight around my neck and I hear her laughter muffled by my shoulder as she leans into it. 

I have never felt like this before.

After a second of holding her still, I realize I can hear cheering. We both turn our heads to see our friends laughing and dancing and cheering. She smiles at me and says, "They really couldn't help themselves, could they?" I can't help it, I laugh, too.

As I set her down, Lily takes the ring box from my hand, which was still holding it tight in my first. "This is lovely, James."

I carefully pull it out of the box and place it on her finger. Like the shop owner told me, the spell on it quickly adjust it to fit her. When the spell decides the fit is perfect, a small shower of emerald green sparks fly out of the gem. She gasps in surprise.

Suddenly she's kissing me, her hands in my hair, and I hold her tighter to me than I ever have before, realizing that this is just the start of forever.


End file.
